“Is there a way to fart properly.”
I’m fairly certain that the proper way to fart is through your you-know-what, butt, I’m no buttologist. That said, there is of course a lesson in etiquette involved in even the near unmentionable world of flatulence.
We’ll mostly deal with this from the perspective of you, dear reader, being the offending tooter. I do feel, however, that also necessary is a brief examination on how to properly deal with, as etiquette decrees, the victim of one “farting in your general direction” a la Monty Python, with not care nor concern as to your sadly miserable experience.
“Pardon me, are you okay, sir / ma’am?”
Here, have a fleuron before we move on.
In the event of a surprise fart, not action fart*, surprise fart — remember honor and remember too humor. As in, do take responsibility and do not take yourself too seriously. These are keys writ large in being a gent.
That said, if it’s silent, you’ve got ten seconds to not be where you were were you dealt it.
Back to responsibility: take some. Prepare your diet for public consumption. Don’t binge on raw broccoli either prior to, or at, a gala.
Don’t Blame:
your shoes
your dog
your chair
the floor
your mouth (play a fart off as an oral hiccup).
anyone else
anything else.
The blame game will make the fart last far longer than a simple acceptance. You’ve already made a smelly scene, but you can contain it.
Do not apologize. This begs a response from your audience as to your fart. What you say, quite simply, is “Excuse me.”
Then move two towns over. ‘Cuz yer done in that town, kid.
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*when you fart and some feces escapes your sphincter.
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As always, I do hope this helps. Thank you kindly for your query. Others can be sent to me via email: nsk57033@gmail.com or tweet @iamkap.


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