Etiquette Q&A: Flatulence

“Is there a way to fart properly.”

I’m fairly certain that the proper way to fart is through your you-know-what, butt, I’m no buttologist. That said, there is of course a lesson in etiquette involved in even the near unmentionable world of flatulence.

We’ll mostly deal with this from the perspective of you, dear reader, being the offending tooter. I do feel, however, that also necessary is a brief examination on how to properly deal with, as etiquette decrees, the victim of one “farting in your general direction” a la Monty Python, with not care nor concern as to your sadly miserable experience.

“Pardon me, are you okay, sir / ma’am?”

Here, have a fleuron before we move on.

In the event of a surprise fart, not action fart*, surprise fart — remember honor and remember too humor. As in, do take responsibility and do not take yourself too seriously. These are keys writ large in being a gent.

That said, if it’s silent, you’ve got ten seconds to not be where you were were you dealt it.

Back to responsibility: take some. Prepare your diet for public consumption. Don’t binge on raw broccoli either prior to, or at, a gala.

Don’t Blame:

your shoes

your dog

your chair

the floor

your mouth (play a fart off as an oral hiccup).

anyone else

anything else.

The blame game will make the fart last far longer than a simple acceptance. You’ve already made a smelly scene, but you can contain it.

Do not apologize. This begs a response from your audience as to your fart. What you say, quite simply, is “Excuse me.”

Then move two towns over. ‘Cuz yer done in that town, kid.

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*when you fart and some feces escapes your sphincter.

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As always, I do hope this helps. Thank you kindly for your query. Others can be sent to me via email: nsk57033@gmail.com or tweet @iamkap.

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Kap

Born in Brooklyn New York, Kaplowitz quickly ran away with the circus and somehow landed as a chef in the Chicago and Baltimore areas. He is a published author of poetry and prose, as well as a well seasoned podcaster and radio guy. Among his hobbies Kap counts writing bios of himself in the third person, casino trips, and walking his Dachshund, Ruby Vondella. Please follow him on Twitter @iamkap to be alerted as to his frequent Thrift Store purchases.